Letting Go

Letting go. Letting GO. Leee-ting go. LETTING GO! Just let go. No matter how I say it I just haven’t been able to find a way to do it these past few days.

I knew that when I moved to Morocco I would have to deal with missing weddings, births, parties, engagements and so on, but I never imagined I would have to deal with the passing of a friend.

I have lost people in the past but I have had the luxury of being surrounded by people who are mutual friends and relatives. I have sat for hours on end reminiscing about this day, or that night. Smiling at the silly things we used to get up to and squeezing the life out of the person you are talking to as if you have your arms around the person you have just lost.

This week has not been like that at all, I have had some concerned friends and one in particular has been my keeper, calling me daily to see if I’m ok. It is very much appreciated but I still feel unbelievably isolated. You see I am letting go from afar.

For the past week I have walked around with a black cloud hovering over me. I have been surrounded by an all consuming sadness and a voice that has been nagging me to ‘let go’. What if I don’t want to let go, what happens then?

I have been going to sleep early, because I don’t want to be awake anymore. When I am awake I think and when I think I cry and when I cry I hurt and when all that is done I know my thoughts, my tears and my hurt will not bring my friend back.

I have been rising in the morning and feel as though I am sleep walking through my day. I feel as though I do not own multiple senses, I can only sense my sadness. That is it.

Here in Morocco I have found that death happens and that is it, that is life. You accept it and move on. Of course people are incredibly sad but they have such faith that they are going to a better place. A friend once received a text message saying ‘Happy Birthday, one less year to live’. My friend was so happy to have received that message. I couldn’t understand why. Maybe now I understand a little. When you move from this life to the next there is something that awaits you. Something special, something to look forward to, something out of this world.

A friend explained his belief on death as saying, "When you are a muslim you are always prepered for death and you don't see death as the end, you see it as another path towards god and if you have a strong belief in god you will never be afraid or scared of anything. He is the only one you should fear and love at the same time."

Maybe my friend knew that all along. It makes my heart smile that he is no longer hurting, that he is free of the battles that chose him and wouldn’t leave him alone.

As for letting go, that may take a while still.