Letting Go

Letting go. Letting GO. Leee-ting go. LETTING GO! Just let go. No matter how I say it I just haven’t been able to find a way to do it these past few days.

I knew that when I moved to Morocco I would have to deal with missing weddings, births, parties, engagements and so on, but I never imagined I would have to deal with the passing of a friend.

I have lost people in the past but I have had the luxury of being surrounded by people who are mutual friends and relatives. I have sat for hours on end reminiscing about this day, or that night. Smiling at the silly things we used to get up to and squeezing the life out of the person you are talking to as if you have your arms around the person you have just lost.

This week has not been like that at all, I have had some concerned friends and one in particular has been my keeper, calling me daily to see if I’m ok. It is very much appreciated but I still feel unbelievably isolated. You see I am letting go from afar.

For the past week I have walked around with a black cloud hovering over me. I have been surrounded by an all consuming sadness and a voice that has been nagging me to ‘let go’. What if I don’t want to let go, what happens then?

I have been going to sleep early, because I don’t want to be awake anymore. When I am awake I think and when I think I cry and when I cry I hurt and when all that is done I know my thoughts, my tears and my hurt will not bring my friend back.

I have been rising in the morning and feel as though I am sleep walking through my day. I feel as though I do not own multiple senses, I can only sense my sadness. That is it.

Here in Morocco I have found that death happens and that is it, that is life. You accept it and move on. Of course people are incredibly sad but they have such faith that they are going to a better place. A friend once received a text message saying ‘Happy Birthday, one less year to live’. My friend was so happy to have received that message. I couldn’t understand why. Maybe now I understand a little. When you move from this life to the next there is something that awaits you. Something special, something to look forward to, something out of this world.

A friend explained his belief on death as saying, "When you are a muslim you are always prepered for death and you don't see death as the end, you see it as another path towards god and if you have a strong belief in god you will never be afraid or scared of anything. He is the only one you should fear and love at the same time."

Maybe my friend knew that all along. It makes my heart smile that he is no longer hurting, that he is free of the battles that chose him and wouldn’t leave him alone.

As for letting go, that may take a while still.

To Ramadan or to not Ramadan....that is the question.

Currently it is Ramadan in Morocco as it is in all countries at the moment. Choosing to participate is not often an option for Muslims but it is for those of us who have not been brought up following Islam. Ramadan started while I was still holidaying in Australia so I was not aware of the change that would greet me in arriving back in Morocco.

I had often heard about Ramadan and knew that one of the major responsibilities during this time was to fast for a month. This fasting depends on the lunar calendar that Islamic communities follow. Therefore, there are such things as moveable feasts. I could never imagine the Queen's birthday being a long weekend one year and then just a regular one the next. There would certainly be public outrage!

As I boarded my Qatar flight leaving Melbourne I immediately encountered passengers who were fasting. To myself I was quietly overjoyed that I was not seated next to someone fasting because even though Ramadan is an expectation but more importantly a religious duty I still would have felt bad devouring my airline meal. This made me wonder, what do people do when travelling internationally doing Ramadan. With long haul journeys we all know night becomes day and day becomes night and so it goes on and on.

Once I reached Morocco the heat was outstanding and people were looking quite lethargic and the usual hassle that greeted you when arriving as a foreigner to Morocco did not seem to exist. I could only assume that this was the case because of the extreme heat and the lack of food and in particular water that these people were putting into their bodies.

After reaching Marrakech I noticed a number of differences. Hanouts (shops) were closed during the day, my favourite smoothie place was closed for Ramadan, people cruised the medina armed with spray bottles, people slept on the cool tiles of their hanouts , public buses were empty and people were slightly more aggressive.

When I witnessed my first breaking of the fast I was amazed at how many people had something to their mouth as soon as the fast was broken. If it wasn't a date (usually eaten and accompanied by milk when breaking the fast), it was a cigarette or a bottle of water. It was quite a sight to see and definately understandable.

So now I posed myself the question. Was I going to fast? Was I going to partake in a tiny fraction of this religious duty myself? Not being Muslim myself I have no idea on the expectations on prayer and all else that revolves around Ramadan. I mean I know bits and pieces but I am hardly an authority on it. The only thing I can remember doing in the name of God was promise to stop fighting with my brother's for Lent when I was in primary school.

I have decided to fast. I wanted to know what it would feel like to give up things we deem necessities and I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of what it may be like for my friends during Ramadan. I know that it is only a small token a gesture really, my fasting, but there is one thing that I do know and it is this - When I talk to friends they talk about Ramadan making you powerful and gaining the power. After 16 days of fasting I have to say I feel strong more mentally than physically and this is a good feeling, a positive feeling. Maybe I don't feel that way at 5.30 in the evening but after 'el fitr' (breakfast) my body is revived and ready to go again.

During the holidays it was easier to fast. I would stay up until 4am and eat 'dinner' at about 3am. Usually batbot (dense bread) and Lavache (cream cheese). I would then sleep until 10 or 11am. The fast didn't seem so long on those days and I was down the coast so it was cooler and thirst was not in the forefront of my mind.

Now I am back at work and teaching at temperatures in the 40's (celcius). It is difficult but I look at my co workers and many of them are fasting. One had an hours sleep last night due to prayer and visiting family. I can do this.

My day starts at 7:20am (the school has special Ramadan hours) and generally finishes at 1am. I have a nap from about 4:30 -5:30pm every day. Once I awake from my sleep I open the window to my apartment so that I can hear the cannon fire at about 7pm and I know it's time to break my fast. I drink a couple of glasses of juice and at least a litre of water throughout the night. I have breakfast and then snack until I go to bed. Generally (on a school night) my last meal is at 12:30am. I keep a bottle of water next to my bed in case I wake up in the middle of the night. Before drinking the water I check that it is not past 4:00am because officially thats when the fast begins again.

Ramadan will be finishing on Friday or Saturday, we will wait for the moon to decide. Again, during the day, you will see men in cafes, locals at the orange juice stands and tagines being carried from one hanout to another. Life will get back into it's non Ramadan schedule.....until next year.